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Melody
Posts:3
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| 07/13/2009 1:32 AM |
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I must admit that when I started reading these books (I've read both) I was furious about how they droned on and on as to how us Wives should respect our husbands and give them sex when they need it. Of course there was a short mention of the "One in four" women our there that desire sex more than their husbands. Well, I am one of those lucky "One in Four" mentioned so briefly. First of all what upsets me is that it was so callously overlooked. Second of all it was made to seem rather insinificant by way of percentage. I don't know about you, but in my brain, one in four is a pretty high percentage of women! Twenty-five percent to be exact! So for us "few" women out there with this VERY significant problem to us, what do we do? Do we hide our frustrations so our husbands don't feel any lack of respect? Or should our husbands be more considerate of our "needs" and show their love for us by responding to our stronger sexual desires? Quite a catch 22 isn't it? Women are just as driven by the emotional need to feel "desired" by our husbands as our husbands are. All I know is that it's truly affecting my marriage in a bad way. I feel totally undesireable yet I know there are plenty of men out there that would love to have me. The problem is, I want MY HUSBAND to be the one chasing me! Not all these other Tom, ***** and Harrys out there! SO! Just how do you go about creating the right balance in this situation? I need to know because it's driving me crazy!  |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 07/14/2009 12:34 AM |
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Well, Melody, welcome to my world!!
I am one of those "one in four" women, too.
Definitely NOT what I expected going into married life!  Everyone always told me the guys had unquenchable desires!
You need to understand... it's not that it was intentionally overlooked. The surveys, which were based on thousands and thousands of surveys, highlighted the MAIN things that men and women wanted the opposite sex to know about them. As someone who has known/worked for Shaunti for a really long time, I can tell you... she will be the first to say that one in four is a very high percentage! (And she reminds me of this whenever I feel like ripping my hair out!) But it wasn't the majority, hence, it didn't get its own chapter.
But this is the place to discuss it, so maybe we can find some other "one in fours" out there. 
Without getting graphic...
Counseling or marriage mentoring can be really great in helping a guy to realize (as it would hopefully help a woman to realize) that even though his sex drive might not be as high as his wife's, there are still ways he can "help" her.
Have you tried anything like that? Is he willing to discuss the issue at all?
-Julie
P.S. Feel free to e-mail directly from my profile if you'd like to discuss it more privately.
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Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Melody
Posts:3
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| 07/14/2009 1:39 AM |
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Hi Julie, and thanks for responding. SO glad to know there's someone else walking in my shoes. I was beginning to wonder if I were a mutant. Very frustrating situation, isn't it?
As far as counseling, we haven't gotten that far. I have a feeling the only way he would go would be because he was afraid he was about to loose me and even then, I'm not so sure. He's a very private person. I've tried talking to him myself about the situation and he just gets frustrated and says he can't help that he doesn't have the same urges as I do and that's pretty much the end of the conversation. He starts snoring and I sit up crying for hours.  I have tried in a very light hearted way let him know that just because he doesn't want to doesn't mean that he can't help me to! LOL But he doesn't want to hear that at all! He's just not interested. And hence forth comes the insecurities about myself and the ANGER! I am SO ANGRY!  It has taken away a lot of my respect for him because my anger is spilling over into every other aspect of our marriage and I know that isn't fair. How do I stop it. How do I get a grip on the anger I feel towards him. I am trying, truly trying to respect him. And there is so much to respect in him. But for me, the sex problem is overpowering everything else because I feel and I don't know how to stop it. How do you do it? How do you handle the situation? I need some rock bottom basic help here.
I also hope that some of the other "One in four" women out there will jump in with any solutions. And maybe, just maybe, IF anyone can figure this out, there needs to be a book written just for us "special" women.  Put THAT bug in Shaunti's ear! |
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timandycrum
Posts:1
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| 07/17/2009 3:57 PM |
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I'm a one in four too. Every single marriage book I've ever read puts emphasis on men's sex drive and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me - and it actually makes me quite angry at times.
I do know my drive has decreased some since I came to realize that part of the drive was based on my need to feel loved. It was partially emotional BUT there is still a significant difference in my and my husband's needs in that area.
I'd really like to have some resources for those of us who fall into this category. |
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Ali
Posts:1
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| 07/20/2009 6:03 PM |
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I, too, am a 1 in 4. I found it very difficult on our honeymoon when we only made love 3 or 4 times in 2 weeks. Everyone I knew told me that the 'norm' was that we would make love at least once a day!I felt rejected and that there was something wrong with me. When I tried to talk to my husband about it - it just made him feel inadequate and we have never really been able to address the issue properly (now been married 27 years!)
I would love to know how I could talk about it without making him feel a failure as he is all too aware of what the 'norm' is. |
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overwhelmed35
Posts:7
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| 07/22/2009 5:19 PM |
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I'm concerned about my husband's lack of interest in sex. It's been 3 weeks and the most affection he's shown has been lightly touching the small of my back (twice) and a very brief peck on the lips as he was leaving for the weekend. Nothing since he came back from his weekend away until I actually asked to be held last night.
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Justaguy
Posts:11
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| 07/30/2009 4:39 PM |
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Well, I kind of feel like I'm stepping into piranha-infested water here (forgive the likeness, I'm not calling you all piranhas)...
My wife is also a "one in four". Compound that with my "visual roladex", and you have hardship in the making!
I am really trying to understand just how this affects my wife emotionally, but maybe moreso, I'm trying to do better at meeting her needs. The problem is, that often times, no matter how much I try, it has the appearance of instigating something just because I "have to".
Ali, you really nailed it though when you suggested it makes us feel like a failure! I too know all too well what the 'norm' is!
This is a real problem in my marriage, but I'm trying to follow through Byron's suggestion to 'persue' her like I did when we were dating.
Here's a question for you "one in fours" though: the book MFO spent time telling husbands how to make their wives feel loved, BUT do you think, from your perspective, you would put more importance on sex as a way of feeling loved than the other 75% of women? If so, how much more?
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Peanut
Posts:2
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| 08/05/2009 10:09 PM |
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I am a "one in four" as well.
Before my husband and I got married, we were intimate everyday, and very often several times a day. Now however, I'm lucky if he's interested in love making a couple times a week. I eventually got used to the infrequency, but the thing that bothers me now is that every time we are intimate,
I am the one that has to initiate things! I've tried speaking with him about this, and he responds "that if we made love every time he wanted to, we'd never leave the bedroom".
I would be fine with spending an entire day in the bedroom on a weekend, or a day off! I don't know what to make of his response, because logically, if he actually wanted to have sex that much, we would be, because I'm more than willing to!
I feel so undesirable, and I know I am not physically unattractive. Many men would be eager to have me. Its nice to know that I'm still desirable to men, however like Melody, I want MY man to be the one desiring me! I would never be unfaithful to my husband, but I am craving attention. I just don't know what to do anymore. Talking to him doesn't help, and keeping quiet certainly doesn't help either.
So, have you other "one in four" women figured out anything to
do about this serious problem we all seem to share? |
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princesschloe
Posts:1
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| 08/06/2009 2:20 AM |
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I have been the "one in four" also. Yes, I did say have been, it is definitely better for me now that it was in the past. I have been married more than 23 years. It has been a difficult thing. I have dealt with the anger and bitterness that comes with the whole thing. For me it wasn't just days or weeks, it was sometimes months and there was even a time that it was a whole year. My situation differed in that we are involved in ministry and there was absolutely no one I could go to. I felt so totally alone. I know you women understand that. I know you have been in those groups of women who complain about how their husbands want more and you sit there smiling at them and never letting on how different it is for you.
You may want to know what has changed for me. Well, honestly there wasn't anything major. Also the hard facts are that if your husband has no desire to change there really is nothing you can do. I spent a lot of time praying, but not just for my husband to change. I had to let the whole thing go and just give it to God. It had become an idol in my life. If I didn't the anger and bitterness would destroy me and my marriage. I had to pray that God would heal my heart and he alone would be the one to satisfy me. I know that that may not be what you will want to hear. But I honestly believe that is the only road to true peace. It took years for my husband to make some changes. I also still struggle even now trusting my husband. Like Peanut, I was the one who always had to initiate. The rejection is crushing. That is why I had to give it to God. God can change your husband, but you can't live your life being angry and waiting for that.
I also need to say that there can be outside reasons for why your husband is this way. He can be looking at pornography, having an affair, or self pleasuring. Any of those will of course lesson his need for you because he is fulfilling his needs elsewhere. Unfortunately you may not be aware that he is doing any of these. Of course, it can also just be his own physical makeup.
You asked for resources and there is definitely not much out there. My apologies to Shaunti, but I am going to suggest a book that might help. Linda Dillow has written a book called "Intimate Issues." She has a chapter in that book that specifically deals with this issue and maybe it will be of some help. She is a godly mother, author, and was a missionary. She has at least a couple of books that deal with sex and answers many questions using God's Word. I hope this is a help an encouragement to all you "one in four." |
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concerned2
Posts:3
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| 08/16/2009 12:09 AM |
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I have just started to read "For Women Only". I'm going through the same problem. My husbands has no desire to have sex. We have been married for 2+ years and I can count on 1 hand how many times we have made love. I have been trying to understand him for so long. I've made the assumptions of cheating or "am I not pretty enough for him" . We have been going through a lot of problems and I feel like i'm walking on a thin wire. He is not the same person I knew before. We went to counceling about 1 1/2 yrs ago and I felt like it got turned around on me........that I was controling. But realized that the man likes to be in control. I am so confused. It's hard to respect your man if you don't agree with him at all.
He used to put me on a pedastel before we were married. It was a chase for him. He used to show me so much affection but the day we got married , it all changed. I think the thrill of the hunt was over in his eyes. I just keep trying but it takes two. So what do I do? How could I get him to open his eyes to understanding me? How could I suggest to him to read "For Men Only" or even to go to counceling or talk to our pastor. |
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Angie
Posts:6
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| 08/18/2009 6:20 PM |
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| I always get suspecious when I hear about women who have a higher sex drive than her husbands - and even more suspicious when he doesn't want to talk about it with her! Are you sure you're married to a real man? Some men who are homosexual marry women simply to have children and then go behind their back and have relations with other men on the side. I imagine they would then have to go home and find some excuse about why they are not interested in sex, avoid the subject, turn over and go to sleep to avoid "being found out". I don't think I have come across a man who doesn't want to talk about sex with a women, unless, of course, he is only attracted to men! Some of you should consider this as a possibility. |
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concerned2
Posts:3
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| 08/18/2009 10:32 PM |
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I've asked about his sexuality. I even told him that it would be okay and I would stay married to him if he was gay but he says that he is not. We have been best friends for 13 years and married for 2 1/2. You would think that he would be able to tell me but as the book "For Women Only" says...men bottle their fears up. I have no clue what else to do because I Love him so much and would support him in anything he does. Maybe I need to tell him that again...that I would support him if he were..even if it meant I had to let him go. Sometimes if you love it , set it free.... |
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Angie
Posts:6
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| 08/21/2009 6:42 PM |
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Dear concerned2,
Don't under-estimate the lengths some men will go to in order to hide their sexuality. These men are very much in denial. Having said that, if you are absolutely, without a doubt, convinced his is not gay, then I would have his testosterone levels checked by an expert. Real men don't like visiting the doctor (it feels like they are admitting to a weakness), so you will have to go with him and ask all the questions for him. This is a very sensitive area with men, so tread carefully before you "out" him as an under-performer in the bedroom! |
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overwhelmed35
Posts:7
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| 08/22/2009 9:17 AM |
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| Here's my problem, it hasn't always been this way. He used to want sex just as much or more than I did. But it's been nearly 2 months now and he has no interest at all. If men need sex to feel loved and connected to their wives, what does it mean when they suddenly aren't interested? Does he not love me or want to feel connected to me anymore? |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 08/23/2009 11:08 PM |
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I've got you ALL beat.
My husband has been chronically ill since we got married (9 years ago in October.) We haven't had sex in about 7 years.
I'm surviving.
God is gracious.
Though I do struggle with my vices here and there (on and off smoker for YEARS, etc.)
But I must say it sucks. Pardon my language, but it does. And reading about how all men are sex fiends does anger me and frustrate me at times.
Perseverance breeds character, I suppose.
How much character do I need??? 
Hang in there, ladies. If I've lasted this long without becoming a total alcoholic, I have all the faith in the world that you will survive, too.
-Julie |
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Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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maallen3
Posts:8
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| 05/11/2010 1:25 PM |
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I love that we are discussing this, but I still haven't seen and books out there on the topic. I'm not sure what would help. But is nice to know I am not the only frustrated one.
I have found 2 small ideas that help.
1) I suggest sex to my husband several hours before having it. It doesn't always work, and I am very sad when it does not, but it is nice when it does.
Sometimes the major probably is that he is contrasting on the next thing he has to do all the time and since sex isn't on the list it is considered an interruption. (I know weird, right?)
2) New lingerie. If he's seen what I'm wearing before he isn't nearly as interested as he is in something new. This doesn't always work either and it gets really expensive, but sometimes it is worth it. I almost want to learn to sew so I can make new lingerie. It might be cheaper.
Anyway, all other tricks of the trade are welcome.
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maallen3
Posts:8
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| 05/11/2010 1:34 PM |
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I should also say that a counselor once told us that because my husband was addicted to pornography for many years, he dealt with it by shutting down his sex drive.
Basicaly he put all sex in a folder in his brain labeled "bad". So he has a hard time since he is a good christian man. The counselor said to conbat it we should start sceduling sex multiple times and week and keeping the schedule no matter how either of us felt. It didn't work becuase we did not keep a schedule, but it might work for someone else.
I do think it is a good plan. I am a scientist and have read scientific papers on bonding. A person tends to bond with whatever person/object/feelings they had during their first sexual experience. The only way to retrain the chemicals in the brain is a lot of sex in the right way. God did that on purpose becuase he meant our first experience to be with our spouce, but now days it is infrequent the first experience is with one's spouce.
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frustrated
Posts:2
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| 05/11/2010 1:49 PM |
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ok, how about a different perspective on all this, my wife is in the 3 out of 4!
is all this discusion, books and radio programs really pleasing to God?
if I find myself wishing my wife were in the 1 out of 4, isnt that lusting after another woman, or one of the woman in this forum.
perhaps it is causing me to sin.
Just a thought!! |
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maallen3
Posts:8
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| 05/11/2010 2:02 PM |
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ok, how about a different perspective on all this, my wife is in the 3 out of 4!
is all this discusion, books and radio programs really pleasing to God?
if I find myself wishing my wife were in the 1 out of 4, isnt that lusting after another woman, or one of the woman in this forum.
perhaps it is causing me to sin.
Just a thought!!
Talk to my husband and you won't wish for it anymore. Can you imagine your wife being mad at you because you won't have sex. Your wife crying and getting angry and wondering if there was something wrong with your masculinity? You might even begin to question your on masculity?
If you were in this boat, you'd wish you wanted sex more. You would wish to be "normal." (Not that I think it is normal, but society does.)
We women in this forum wish our husbands wanted sex more. We might not if they did want sex all the time.
Everyone almost always wants what they do not have. So to stop yourself, ponder what the person in the other shoes wants. |
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abc
Posts:3
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| 06/04/2010 5:06 PM |
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| I was also glad to see this topic b/c I struggle with this way too much. I loved both "FWO" & "FMO" but when it came to the sex topics, I feel as though me & my husband should have traded books @ that point. I am so in love with my husband & I honestly know that he loves me so why can't that just be enough? I also feel the same as most--yes I have had kids but I am only 5 pds away from what I was when we got married, I am so insecure as it is, that every night it gets worse. He is trying & we do have sex but I do not want to feel like a job he is having to do, I want to be wanted & lusted after by him not anyone else. I have done everything that the book suggest as far as the respect & playing with each other & doing things for him so I guess all that is left is to just give it to GOD. I just do not want this one thing to tear us down when we are so good together in every other way! |
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