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rrfrms
Posts:2
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| 09/04/2008 11:40 AM |
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| My husband of 12 yrs told me 4 days ago that he wants to leave me. I am devestated. 6 months ago i found texts on his phone from another woman. I went balistic and he swears there was nothing to it. He started going to the gym & losing weight about the same time. He says I blew things out of proportion, I did. I have since lost 70 pounds myself and tried to get fit..I have a ways to go but I am smaller now then when he married me. We have over come so many obstacles losing a farm, a child, business dealings. I have not always been what I should and I have tried in the last 6 months to be everything he could possibly want. His friends even thinks he is crazy. He has agreed to stay for a couple more months and go to counseling but he says that he needs space. How do I do that? He admitted to an affair 3 yrs ago and some other stuff and I told him that I didn't care, I love him and I wanted to fight for our marriage. The last 6 months I have tried to be perfect and super woman in the bed room. Do I need to cut him off in the bedroom until he straightens up? He said that he loved me, I am the mother of his 4 year old child but that he is not in love with me and that he has not been happy for a very long time. He said that he married me for the wrong reasons and that is why God is punishing us financially. Help me, I feel as if I am shutting down emotionally and physically! |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 09/04/2008 12:10 PM |
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Wow, what a heart-wrenching story. 
My advice is, no, don't cut him off in the bedroom. Sex is a major factor in a husband feeling like he is affirmed at home. (If you haven't read For Women Only, I highly suggest you do!)
Do you affirm him in other ways? Tell him you're proud of him, allow him to be the spiritual leader in your home, etc?
If he's willing hang in there a little while longer and seek counseling, that is GREAT news. At least he is willing! Don't take that for granted. Make sure you are seeing a Christian marriage counselor - it is very, very important.
My husband and were on the brink of divorce a few years ago and now we have a great marriage, so I know it can work!
-Julie
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Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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rrfrms
Posts:2
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| 09/04/2008 12:22 PM |
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I am currently reading the book and I see so many mistakes that I have made in the past. I will do anything to make this work but how do I give him space without giving him too much space? Sex had been a problem with us in times before (after I had our son) but when we had our big blow up I can't tell you of too much I haven't done for him. My friends have told me that I am letting him walk all over me and that he should be the one begging me to stay. Even his friends have told me that I am too good to him.
The last year he started going to the bar with a co worker every now and then and going out with the guys here and there drinking. I didn't approve of it and he knew it wasn't right. I didn't fuss...I stayed quiet and prayed for the lord to convict him of it. I thought is I didn't fuss it would seem less attractive to do...Did I give him an open door?
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 09/04/2008 12:44 PM |
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Well, if you do feel like he is "walking all over" you, you can set some ground rules - WITH THE HELP OF A COUNSELOR. I would advise against doing something without the support of a professional to walk you through the process. Perhaps a *temporary* separation is in order, or maybe it will come down to you insisting that he not drink anymore, but both sides will have a lot of work to do.
All of us make mistakes in our marriage, believe me. The point is, you're trying to move forward and do the right things now. Apologizing for your mistakes might help, too. But I would get to a counselor very quickly. Maybe your husband needs an older, Christian mentor, too. It sounds like his spiritual life is a little off-track, too. |
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Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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catha
Posts:4
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| 10/09/2008 5:13 PM |
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| dear rrfrms, i know what your going through, but sometimes you have to back off, so they will know what they are missing, if your allways their , ready and willing, then there is no chase for him to prosue you. that is what makes the other girl so much fun. allways keep a sly smile on , it drives them crazy no knowing what is going on. start a exersize group and get out there and have fun, men like nothing better than a smiling and laughfing women. the other men will be asking your husband whats up with his wife, and he will have to admet to himself that he doesnt know. and you know what, you might find you have a great life yourself , with or without him. this is a true story, love catha. |
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MikeH
Posts:1
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| 11/06/2008 7:23 AM |
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Please ... Read Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough". It addresses your situation completely. You may be very suprised by his advice!!
It was a big help in saving my marriage. |
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