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JoB
Posts:2
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| 05/16/2009 11:31 PM |
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How can I get past emotional betrayal. My husband has communicated and developed a "friend" that he shared deep, personal (yet not sexual) intimacies about his life? I caught (by accident) a facebook chat he was having with her (he left it up on his computer before going to bed) where he shared very personal things about our life (my health in particular) - things I had asked him not to share with our daughters. She had some fears (in this same email) and said he'd leave his phone under his pillow for her to call him if she needed. Prior to that she stopped over when I was out of town to "pick up her taxes" that I didn't know he was helping her with. Quite frankly, I didn't know about her period - she was a secret friend who also traveled with him to India on two mission trips...
He claims this is just a friendship and he was working to "help her."
As a female it is difficult to "get past it" and not continue to relive some of the emails/written communications that I have read between the younger woman and my husband. There is a sense I have that he is angry that I have asked him to give it up the friendship in total.
I am talking his ears off, seeking details about their relationship (I think its processing but wonder occasionally if its obsessing). He is a quiet guy and never has shown much anger - he is very hard to read. We still love each other...I know I do him - but it is such a challenge to get past this. We have been married for 20 years, he just turned 50 (I am 3 years older than him) and she is 20 years younger than he...
I have been in deep prayer, much emotional upheaval and a heart that is still hurting. Any words of wisdom? |
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sbo
Posts:1
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| 05/18/2009 1:11 PM |
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| Hi there... It's odd that I came across your post. I am a female in your husband's position. My 'offense' happened last year, and it has traumatized my marriage since. In my situation, I never would have been vulnerable to developing a relationship (albeit plutonic, still inappropriate) outside of my marriage, had we a stronger marriage to begin with. I was considering leaving my husband before I met this other person, at a time when I was particularly needy. We've since decided to work on our marriage, but it's been a bleeding process - and we still have a long way to go. He may be fooling himself into thinking that this relationship is harmless. But if he's keeping it from you, he clearly knows it's inappropriate. The only advice I have to give to you, being in your husband's shoes, is to love him. I am so grateful for my husband loving me through this rough time in our lives. Yes, I did something wrong, but I've grown a great deal from it and have a much greater respect for my marriage and my husband. I am sorry for what you're going through, please continue to pray and rely on God - He makes no mistakes. |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 05/18/2009 3:03 PM |
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From a mans perspective.
Your husband should not have any relationships (friends or something else) that you don't know about. He should not keep those types of things out of sight. Your husband should not have close relationships with girls. I know this from experience. Plus, look at Jesus Christ, he spent 3 years with MEN, disciplining them, not women. Your husband cannot be married to you and have a close relationship with a female.
After reading the second post, the question comes into mind that: Is your relationship with our husband (visa versa) healthy?
Thats my 2 cents.
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 05/18/2009 5:20 PM |
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Having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex doesn't always mean sex is involved. Some Christian books even say it's healthy because for example, it helps men to accept women as "people who have thoughts & feelings" rather than seeing them only as sex objects. I am a female & have several close friends who are males. There has never been any inappropriate behavior (verbally or physically). I often ask them ?s to help me understand my husband because they can give me a man's point of view or tell me how they would interpret the situation. It has been very helpful because asking a female friend isn't much help sometimes because they can't totally relate to how a male feels or thinks any better than I can. My husband has 1 female friend that he is close to (she's a friend from high school so he's know her for 30+ yrs). I think it has helped him because he has told me that many times when something bothers me & he doesn't understand or he feels like "my wife must be crazy to be thinking this way", his friend can help explain how I might be feeling & assure him that other women do feel this way & I'm not crazy.
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 05/19/2009 1:08 AM |
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| Travis, Regarding your reply...to me it said that men & women shouldn't even have conversation that is about anything other than the weather. Are your chats/comments on this forum not considered sharing concerns & problems with "friends" (male & female)? |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 05/21/2009 9:29 PM |
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I'm sorry if it came off that way, or if even typed it that way.
I think its fine if people have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship or marriage. You just have to know where you draw the line. And it definitely can not be secret!
And its totally fine if you have conversations with friends of the opposite sex. You just have to guard yourself and make sure that neither of you are leading each other on, and to make sure that your not going past the friendship line. You can figure out where that is.
I'm only 21, with little experience. So, if i have any good advice, its don't take my word as the truth. I'm still a kid. These are just my opinions, and ways that i would go about things.
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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JoB
Posts:2
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| 05/22/2009 7:15 AM |
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| As the original poster to this thread - I want to make it perfectly clear, I - too - agree that cross gender friends are inevitable and good to have. The challenge becomes when that "friendship" turns into deep emotional sharing (not sexual and/or physical by the way). And when that friendship turns into a daily connection and eventually comes with gifts that the other partner doesn't know about (for example, $1000 given to her for a mission trip and hotel stay as a graduation gift). There is a line that can be crossed especially when you are leaving the other partner totally out of these types of connections - and they stumble on it by accident, only to discover it has been an ongoing (8 month) "friendship." But revealing things about your spouse to a single person of the other gender AND keeping this frindship "secret." It implies you have something to hide - and in my case there were things I had specifically requested my husband not share with our own daughters that he felt free enough (i.e., via the trust connection) to do so with this young (single - I might add, beautiful, young girl). I am a strong, professional leader in our state and this experience knocked me (emotionally) and damaged our trust factor. I do NOT want to sound like a victim but hope that those reading this thread place a priority on their spouses feelings realizing that emotional betrayal is deep and hurtful. |
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Kristi
Posts:2
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| 06/02/2009 9:15 AM |
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| I was deeply saddened to read your email about the betrayal you feel. I want you to know that I grieve for you and what you have lost in your marriage by what your husband has done. My husband and I have been married 23 years and have had our share of ups and downs. My suggestion to you is not that you just try to get past this. I don't really think that this can be accomplished on your own. I would suggest that you and your husband go to a trusted pastor and get some counseling. If you had not caught him now you don't know how far it might have gone. The fact that he has hidden it from you and that he is angry at having to give it up is a sign that he has developed a deep emotional attachment to this other women that never should have been allowed to happen. I sincerely hope that he will be willing and that you can find someone that you both can trust to talk to and work out these issues. |
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Bev2
Posts:2
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| 06/24/2009 12:24 PM |
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Travis, You are correct when you say that you need to know where to draw the line in having friendships of the opposite sex. Sharing intimate information, and paying for trips or hotel rooms is going too far. You are very wise for your years.
JoB, Your husband doesn't have good personal boundaries that he needs to have as a married man. I would go a little further than Kristi suggested. I would suggest that you find a Christian Counselor in your area. You need to work on your relationship with your husband and make certain that he knows that he needs to have better boundaries. Boundaries such as telling you about all relationships with other women, and not discussing intimate information with other women. Also not giving money to other women.
He may need to grieve the loss of this friendship with the girl, and you need to grieve the loss of trust that you had and lost in your husband. You are totally correct in being angry about his secret relationship, and I am glad that you listened to your feelings of betrayal rather than stuffing them. Your husband needs to hear about your feelings and a therapists office is a safe place to do that.
This is actually a good wake up call for your marriage - that something is wrong. Now it is time to work on fixing it and improving your marriage. The end result can be a much more satisfying and rewarding marriage.
My husband and I had a very disfunctional marriage which had a big wakeup call involving infidelity. We needed to work with a therapist to finally express our feelings and work through problems. It may take a few years - but it is worth it! |
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