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D
Posts:1
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| 01/30/2009 5:55 AM |
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| my boyfriend is in his mid-twenties and is not a virgin. I however am a virgin because I made a promise to myself and God to stay that way till marriage. He REALLY regrets what he did in his past and I know he struggles with it as much as I do. My question is, how do I begin to deal with this? I feel like I've been cheated out of something that could've been mine. |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 6:26 PM |
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| Honestly, in the end if you can't get over it you shouldn't keep the relationship going. If you can't relieve him of that burden it will continually come back for years to come, I promise. However, examine your heart and mind, what do you really think about it? Is it that you feel like he cheated you? Is it that you are jealous that you didn't get him 'first'? do you feel insecure like maybe he will want her again instead of you? Are you holding onto this so you have something to hold against him? I encourage you to see out counsel on this, someone who knows how to help you deal with this and find out where you stand. Don't be embarrassed about seeking counsel, it is far wiser than to go it alone. The Bible says, Prov 3:5 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Also Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Translation, don't follow your heart! Seek out wise counsel, you will both be much better off together or apart. Hope that helps. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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iknowiam
Posts:7
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| 02/03/2009 2:10 PM |
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we all have done things that we regret,
ask yourself this question
If or when we get married:
Will I think that he is comparing me to the last person he has been with?
if you a slight instance you say yes, then you are a typical woman, (thats not a bad thing)
women are dsevasted with things like this because they want to the everything to their man. reasonable... i agree with sewreba, because if you cant let go and forgive then you are bound to have marriage problems, and deep down that issue will linger but it will affect necessary elements that make marriages work. commitment, trust, honestly, -guilt and unforgiveness destroys all of those..
hope this helps
-a man that cares |
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Princess
Posts:11
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| 02/04/2009 5:16 PM |
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DH and I were in the same situation. After 10 years of marriage, I still struggle with it.
First suggestion - don't discuss it in detail. You may think that it will help to know "exactly" what went on, but it will actually result in more pain and insecurity (if you are anything like me.) If you found out that a previous partner did something you are uncomfortable with, you may always wonder if he is missing that or feels that you are less sexy than she was because she was comfortable with it.
Second suggestion - pray. A lot. Satan has used this to attack our marriage relationship. Even now, we have our 10 year college reunion coming up in Oct 09. Guess where his parter was? College. I am already beginning to have nightmares about seeing her there and her attempting to seduce him away.
God can help ease the pain for both of you. Talk it over with him, let him know your thoughts, your concerns about previous partners and how you wonder about how you will "measure up." I am not a male, but DH has repeatedly told me that, frankly, he doesn't remember details. He doesn't remember what she looked like, (fortunately for me, DH is one of the few men that don't seem to have a rolodex of images) doesn't remember what it felt like. I do know that it was merely physical release for him. I still worry that I don't measure up, but I pray that God will help me accept him at his word.
Third - Don't EVER place blame for your feelings on him. It is easy for me to get angry that "I have to suffer because you messed up." That will only create pain between the two of you, and you should be battling this side by side.
I know about feeling cheated. Bottom line, he made a mistake. Forgiving him is one thing, being able to "get past it" is another. I agree with both other posters that if you don't feel that you can accept it, it may be better/healthier to end things. Will be praying for you. |
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boughtw/blood
Posts:10
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| 02/12/2009 12:44 PM |
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| Read the book Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. It has a chapter in it dealing with this exact issue and it may give you a lot of insight into other aspects of your relationship. His books have made a profound difference in my life, i hope that they can help you as well. Also, ask the Lord for strength and guidence. |
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NicoleB
Posts:2
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| 04/28/2009 7:09 PM |
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| When I first got with my now husband he had 1 previous sexual partner and I was a virgin. At first I was highly concerned about being compared to his ex in every single way. Once someone has that part of him, it is VERY hard to let it go. However, the solution to this problem is to be 100% open to your boyfriend about how you feel about this situation. My husband did an amazing job of helping me to feel more than adequate and loved. It took a few months, but those worries are long gone and completely behind us. Nothing will solve the problem like completely honest conversation, but be willing to tell him what you need from him (reassurance, compliments, etc.)
I hope that helps.. |
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