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Mr. T.
Posts:6
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| 09/25/2010 11:50 AM |
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| I just finished listening to "For Men Only" on audio book, as I have a lot of drive time, and this is the best means currently of getting the much needed information. First, I would like to extend my thanks. The information has been invaluable. However, I have been faced with numerous and seemingly unexplainable paradoxes with the interelational truth based statements, and what the truth within my own relationship seems to be. Examples: we are told in the book that women want to be emotionally secure and that finances have nothing to do with it. I situation seems to reflect the exact opposite of this statement. The woman I have been with for the past year and a half is an extremely "touchy" person. By this I mean she needs touch. She needs to feel my presence and know I am there. We have a situation that is not the ideal. I am a single father with sole custody of my five year old son. I was and still am in the process of putting myself through college from the time we met. Sorry. I got off on a little bit of a tangent. But some background information, I feel, was necessary. We have been having a long distance relationship for over a year now. In the beginning things were beyond wonderful in every aspect. She was the girl from my youth that I had loved and lost....and I was the boy she felt the same about and found herself never forgetting. Ultimately, the distance, more than anything, I feel has been the downfall of our relationship. That, too, is not as "cut and dried" as that I wanted to move to where she was at, but felt like she was hiding me. She wasn't willing to introduce me to her parents because in her words, "She didn't want to push them into something that they were not ready for." (We have both been previously married - the shortest of which lasted seven years). This brings it's own challenges to the table with all the past experiences and expectations that came from both our prior relationships. We are both Christians, and are wanting a deep and intimate relationship with God. When together, we go to church together, we have wonderful conversations; we laugh;hug and kiss.....it's wonderful. When I have went to visit her she would have to go to work, as she also is a single mother. When she was away, I would clean the house, have a meal ready when she got home, and a special evening planned out for us to share together - even if just sitting around a campfire with her in my arms - I had something. This seemed to upset her. She said she felt like I was doing the things that she should, as a woman, be doing. She said, "It makes me feel off...you should be the one going to work and coming home to these things. I don't like how it makes me feel." So, of course, I thinking...okay...now what? Do I not do this? I went down one time, again to visit, and tried the other approach - I didn't do anything. She was upset then that she had worked all day, came home to a messy house(which is how it was when I got there), and now had to cook. Again, she was upset. It says in the book that women defend the point that they are not "random" and that if we get a different reaction, it is because we pulled a "different lever" or "pulled it in a different way." It would seem to me, that it didn't matter what I did - either way - it was wrong. I am an emotional guy - not overly emotional like annoying. But I do care tremedously about making the people in my life happy! I have always tried to look a things through the lens of "what would I like someone to do for me" then, do it for them instead. We are in a situation,(I say "we" because regardless of what I want, I am along for the ride)that she has started seeing other people, and I am crushed. I don't want that. I want "us", if there is a such thing anymore, to work. She doesn't even seem to want to try. I don't understand it. In the book it also states to "give chase 007" but everytime I try to do something endearing or let her now there is never a moment that she is not on my mind...it seems to push her further away. I even have a song that is just about her, a silly little one, that she used to love. Now if I say it, it's as though she wishes that I wouldn't. I am beyond confused. What does it mean if a woman needs "space" in the book it claims to be a hug. Well, being five hours away that is not an option, and even if it were, I feel she wouldn't want it. I have went completely off track from my initial statement regarding security, as well. There are so many things rolling through my mind that I feel like I have "six screensavers rolling." Honestly, most of the time, that is, in fact, exactly how my mind works. Withing relationships with females I often feel a sense of role reversal. It seemed that in regards to security, it was infact, the finacial aspecet that seemed to matter. Tremendously, as a matter of fact. I was unemployed, but a full time student - I am training to become both a fire fighter and a paramedic. She seemed to be bothered by the fact that I had acces to grants and funding that she didn't because of being a displaced worker. She had to go and work to get by, and I didn't. I want it to be known, however, that I am an extremely hard worker, and that I have no problem getting out ther and putting in a hard days work. In fact, I love it! This simply is not my current situation due to being a full time student and single father with sole custody. I feel like the things that I innately am are not seen or somehow don't matter. What do I do? What is "space".....why is it needed if she loves me? Please help!!!! |
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