| Author |
Messages |
|
AJ
Posts:2
 |
| 10/12/2010 8:14 PM |
|
My husband had several little "afairs" in the early years of our relationship, a date with another woman the day after he spent the night with me, a kiss on the lips with a ex girlfriend that brought him cookies to his work place for Christmas, a long lingering hug from a ex that he use to work out with, right in front of me.. and sexual jokes/flirts with his sister. He has his own business and when women in low cut shirts would bend down to look at items in the cases, he would lean over and look down their shirts. He wanted to invite a young couple we were doing bible studies with to stay at a cabin at a lake during the hottest part of the summer and was always complimenting her on her necklaces and even said "Hi sexy" to her twice when they would come over. He kept old porn from before we met and had told me he was throwing it away when we moved into togeather but didnt. kept boxes and boxes of old letters and pictures from ex girlfriends, he had over 75 profiles floating around on the internet in single sites and in his computer history there were many times, searches for porn.
I honestly do not know why I kept persuing him, why I kept going and going with him. we argued, i had break downs, i even went to counseling and was told I was the one with problems because of my past and put on anti depressants and told i should leave him, I accidently took the wrong amount of my "magic" pills one night, they were so tiny i thought it had backwashed into my soda and so i took a second one, I dont remember a whole lot after that but I now have a police record, oh, did I mention that he has HIV and never told me even after a year of unprotected sex?
I'm sure by now you have got to think I am nuts but hang on...
This guy that had cause so much pain over and over had also made me laugh, he is funny and he knows the Bible well and knows what is right and what is wrong and what God wants. he is extreamly giving and loving and considerate, he was just about everyting i ever wanted, except his attraction to woman and that was increadably hurtful, degrading and turned me into a monster at times but there was something I can not explain that kept telling me to hang on.
its been 5 years and alot was fun and happy but the bad times were horrible. I kept telling him to read and comprehend what was in the Bible, don't just memorize words and I got him the "every mans battle" book and I prayed and i prayed and I went to youtube and looked up cosmetic surgery to see what all it would be like, tummy tuck, implants... (ive had 4 kids) I was willing to be fillet like a fish and redone and to carry around bags of water/saline on my chest forever for him...
The week before we were to get married, i was showing him a dress at a street fair I was kind of wanting to get married in to see him staring off at a young girl in a swimsuit top bending over looking at jewlery, then later meeting with the reverand he was sharing smiles with a pretty waitress , even our reverand noticed. then the night before we were to wed we ran into a female friend of his, she asked what was up and he said "nothing" and started talking about the fact she had worked there a long time and never even introduced us. all this stuff hurt, and still hurts and now were married and he is working with a young girl that is very well endowed, every day after work he is in a "mood" and I know deep down its because he is with her all day and she dresses provocative.
my self esteem is shot. my stomach hurts alot of the time, and I have a hard time smiling and laughing at jokes. Why am I with him? why did I marry him? why am I willing to spend the rest of my life with him? BECAUSE HIS SINS ARE HIS OWN.
He comes home to ME everyday, he rubs my body when i am sore and he cleans up after himself and likes my cooking, he holds me, he helps me financially when i need it, he knows i get tired and brings home dinner or takes me out, he always helps around the house when i ask, he gets along really well with all four of my children and the grandbabies just think he is the neetest person ever and he suprises me with little things, sends me loving text messeges on my phone and chats with me on the computer at work. He does not drink, do drugs and has not been to a porn site in a year or more now, he has gotten rid of every profile and has given me all his passwords to everything and he is listening to me and trying. we pray togeather now almost every morning. he calls me on his breaks from his other job.
I am a big problem in our relationship by not trusting him when he says he is trying and opening my mouth instead of letting God work on him and myself. He has proven himself many times over that he is trying and working hard at it.
It has taken ALOT of prayer and still does, not just for him but for me as well.
This book really hurt to see in black and white that he is "normal" but it has helped me in so many ways knowing i am not alone, knowing that some of the things he has been saying are sincere and from his heart and its helping me watch myself so I can be what his heart wants.
it takes time and paitence and ladies, remember, this life were living? its wasnt ment for us .
were not here to be catered to and worshiped and pampered. Help your men by gently leading them to Christ. it takes three to make a marriage work, it says in the book that the more he is around Christ centered activities the further he will get from the bad stuff. I know thats not exact but I dont have the book right with me right now but you get the idea. some one said in the begining orf this thread that we need to not drive our men into another womans arms by being what our men need. its not all "visual" its the woman that will listen, build him up, be happy and kind that he will turn to.
work on what this book is telling you, Pray and go ahead and cry just dont let your man consume you with his sin, your not God, You will not beheld accountable for his sins and he wont for yours and don't let your obsession with your husband come before your obbsesion with God. Always put God first and he will help you get through the rest.
I still struggle, I still get that sick feeling in my tummy when my husband makes flirty remarks insinuating he wants sex because I am pretty sure it wasnt me that got his motor running today but it is me he is turning to, not them. were working on it and I keep looking at myself to, I'm not perfect and have alot to work on and he is paitent with me and my short commings, he deserves the same respect. Its funny but our relationship has done nothing but get stronger and stronger everyday, were beating the odds, we both came into our relationship as sinners and were growing and healing and getting closer to God by lifting each other up and trusting God to help us get through this . |
|
|
|
|
Annita
Posts:2
|
| 10/28/2010 12:40 AM |
|
Healingfromhurt,
I think it will help you understand this struggle of his by comparing it to the female equivalent. If you are like me, you will find that sometimes you are attracted to other men on an emotional level and you have to fight sinful thoughts that try to enter your mind in order to preserve purity in thought and your marriage as well. Can you imagine what would happen if you allowed yourself to become emotionally attached to a man other than your husband? How would that make him feel? How would it affect your marriage? It would make him feel the same way you would feel if he started watching porn or going to strip clubs.
My husband was previously married, and his previous marriage ended because his wife cheated on him. And guess how that happened? She had a male study buddy for school and became emotionally attached to him, which led to an ongoing affair. Their relationship did not start because she thought he was oh so physically attractive, but because she allowed herself to "like" him in a romantic way.
Entertaining thoughts that deal with your almost romantic emotions towards a man other than your husband is equivalent to your husband entertaining visual thoughts of a woman other than you. Both are
equally as dangerous and sickening.
That is how I understand my husband's struggle, and I truly appreciate that he tries just as hard as I do to keep his mind pure and to honor me and God. I hope this helps!
-- Annita
|
|
|
|
|
hadams
Posts:2
|
| 10/30/2010 8:04 PM |
|
| Hello Heather.
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you went through that with your man. And it is so wrong! There is a huge difference between accidental flashes of attraction, and actively imagining having sexual relations with various young women in your family. Men (and women too) may not always have control over what they see, or which images sneak back later to taunt them. This can happen to any of us, like it or not. But men and women do have the power to stop indecent thoughts from growing into deviant fantasies. Shaunti said that men cannot help noticing. It's natural for them to notice, and to remember what they noticed. That does not mean that it is OK for men to repeatedly fantasize about having sex with any girl he sees... especially not with girls that are hardly more than children.
Women notice handsome men too. At some point, you saw an ad (or a movie scene, a book cover, a poster, etc) that gave you a thrill. You may still get thrills later when you think back to it. That doesn't mean you no longer love the man you are with, or that you are going home to pack your bags so you can stalk that male model. No, it just means that you think he's handsome. (And that little thrill felt good because it made you feel like a woman) That is like the thrill that men feel when they see an attractive woman. It is natural and normal, and is no threat to you. But having ongoing sexual thoughts, willingly and without apology, about others... that is not what Shaunti was talking about- and it's not OK with God either. It's good that you are not with that man now. I hope that you do not take his actions as a sign that men cannot be trusted. Most men NOTICE, but do not PURSUE. Good luck to you in the future. |
|
|
|
|
Jemma
Posts:3
|
| 02/15/2011 8:20 PM |
|
Posted By n/a on 06/27/2009 3:37 PM
I think you've missed my point. If you don't pursue with everything you've got, then you are not being like Jesus, who is pursuing you with everything He is.
Hey Byron, thanks for your input! But I am confused- what do you mean 'pursue the husband with everything you've got'? It is the man who's chief role it is to do the pursuing, and for the wife to reciprocate...
I am just confused and keen to hear your thoughts and more of what you mean by that 
Jem
|
|
|
|
|
Jemma
Posts:3
|
| 02/15/2011 9:06 PM |
|
Hello to all my lovely brothers and sisters in Christ.
I struggle with this visual wiring aspect too, not to mention the fact that when I was sixteen my parents had painful divorce due to unfaithfulness, which didn't help the whole trust thing evolve very well either!
But I too would recommend the book 'Every Man's Battle', it has great tips for any guy who wants to overcome the addiction and those visual highs, and cherish his woman as a result! It's the best thing they can do for us, aye?
I am so blessed to have a fiance who is fighting this battle for me everyday. Though he may slip up, I know his heart is always committed to 100% faithfulness. I am learning to focus on his heart, not the times he slips up.
Also, I should add that it is totally possible for any man to overcome lustful thinking. My guy doesn't even want to admire pretty girls non-sexually, so this is the kind of person they can be! I can't believe I get angsty when he even goes that extra mile for me,
yerch!
God bless you, big hugs, it has been so helpful to read that I am not the only one terrified in many cases!
Love,
Jemma |
|
|
|
|
John
Posts:2
|
| 05/08/2011 6:15 PM |
|
| I have been a man for 30 years so I feel I can speak on this subject. I have been a visual person since the 3rd grade. Other boys in my class were the same way. We grow up this way with no one to check what we are doing.
So I agree that we are hard wired to look. But after years and years of a continual behavior, it becomes habitual. So once a boy becomes a man and enters into a relationship he has to try to break the habit. It is important to realize that often times it is just a habit. I was able to look at a woman and not even realize I was doing it until my wife told me. Even then I didn't believe her.
The only real way to break those habits is to replace them with another habit. But this is not easy work. Only when a husband cares enough for his wife will he be willing to establish a habit that goes against his wiring like that. Most men that I know won't commit to change until it is almost too late. I love my wife and will do anything for her so I have started this battle myself. I hope it isn't too late. . . but even if it is I am committed to walking a righteous life. |
|
|
|
|
Lady D
Posts:2
|
| 06/02/2011 9:15 AM |
|
| What can we really do? I've tried to explain to my fiancé how much it hurts to know that "once in a while" he will let a woman know how sexy and attractive she is... I've cried, I've showed anger, I've lost all dignity and he feels it's normal for men to do these things.... He grew up like John said not being told otherwise.. And I am guessing that until he sees it's wrong, there isn't a thing I can really ddo to make him understand. I feel betrayed and dishonored and he doesn't see how much he's hurt me... Like many of you, I'm still here because he has many virtues.. He is loving and good hearted... But if only he knew how important it is for me, for any woman to feel her man is willing to ignore distructions... And to a point I wish he would also stop disrespecting other woman, because when I was single and men in relationships would tell me how sexy I looked I felt like a piece of meat.. |
|
|
|
|
Lady D
Posts:2
|
| 06/02/2011 9:23 AM |
|
| I meant to write, "willing to ignore distractions." |
|
|
|
|
Travis
Posts:41
|
| 06/02/2011 10:16 PM |
|
Honestly, the only thing you can do is pray. Prayer is much stronger than we imagine. I'm still learning how powerful it is.
There is a war going on in your fiance (between the flesh and the Spirit over the battle grounds of the soul), and many other men. You see, the Devil wants us to be apart from Christ, because when we are alone, we are extremely weak, and will be taken over. The Devil will always win. That's we need the Body of Christ in our lives. When are together, we are strong and mighty. Believe me, the Lord has reveled this to me. The only way for a man to conquer this difficult battle with the flesh, is to share what is going on with a brother and Christ (or many brothers) and for them to pray for God's mercy and grace. This battle is very difficult, and it cannot be won alone. If it is won alone, I'd like to meet you.
As for the women, like I said, you need to pray to the Lord. He will guide you in what to pray for and what to do. Sometimes you will not like what you hear.
I know you women feel inadequate, or less/not attractive, or that it hurts too much. I don't think there is any easy answer. I also don't want to deceive you by not being clear. You know, just as well as some of us men that you have insecurities. Men do as well, but in this circumstance, it makes this situation that much more painful. I really don't know how to get rid of insecurities other than praying for the Lord to take them away, that I would feel safe in Him. I would say that it helps to read the Word daily. To be immersed in it. The Word is living, and it will live in you and remind you of the things our Lord Jesus Christ has promised. Rest in Him.
Sorry I haven't commented in a while
I hope this helps.
Travis
|
|
~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
|
|
Travis
Posts:41
|
| 06/02/2011 10:17 PM |
|
| Sorry for all the typos. I usually proof read before I submit, but I didn't this time. |
|
~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
|
|
mythoughts
Posts:2
|
| 06/03/2011 10:51 PM |
|
| I am a happily married man of 26 years. In that time I have never been tempted to lust after or desire another woman. I believe the visual aspect of man has been used for quite an excuse and I must say as men we are as a group falling down on the job and letting down the woman in our lives. It is very true that a man is generally more visual than a woman but God intended man to get his visual arousal from his wife. If this is working properly then it is the sight, smell, thought, sound, etc of the familiar woman that sets off the visual arousal trigger, for lack of a better discription. We as men have been let down by society, churches, other men, etc. I was blessed to be raised by a Godly father who gave me a worthy example to follow - I can remember him instructing me as a boy that there was no such thing as a good looking pig. I've known many a men to struggle with this issue but I have also known many that do not struggle and are in blessed marriages the way God designed it to be. I believe this is a symptom of the breakdown in communication in marriages. Temptations come where there is a real or perceived need or want - if you communicate with your spouse honestly your needs and desires and you have a willing partner you cover one another in this spiritual battle. Woman talk to your spouses openly and honestly and men stand up like men and love to women in your lives the way your Maker intended you. Have honor and respect for the woman that give themselves to you. With God all things are possible and no man need to struggle in the battle to look to strange flesh - be content with the wives of your youth! |
|
|
|
|
Foxy
Posts:3
|
| 06/07/2011 4:57 PM |
|
| What world do we live in, where we read books and believe it applies to everyone's lives????! In which ways are these books biblical, where in the bible does it say that men are more visual than women, do the bibles warnings against sin not applied to men and women?? Are you saying that women don't have wondering eyes??! The old double standard!! Please give me biblical evidence about your findings!!! |
|
|
|
|
Foxy
Posts:3
|
| 06/07/2011 5:12 PM |
|
| The reason you get upset and hurt is because, what he is doing is wrong!!!!!! He has no respect for you, not all men are like this, if he really cares about your relationship and you he will stop. You should not allow or accept this type of behavior, you are worth more!! How would he feel if you desired men in front of him??! Its disrespectful period, there is no excuse for it!!!! |
|
|
|
|
|