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Lori
Posts:10
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| 08/19/2010 11:00 PM |
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| Ok, here's a question to throw out there....
Are men visual because they are men, or could it be possible that part (if not most) of the reason is simply because a woman's body is just way more physically sexier? I mean, hear me out for a second... even as a woman (who is completly straight and hates porn) I can see that there is something very alluring to looking at a naked woman's body and I myself sometimes can be drawn to looking at a woman's cleavage or a sexy picture of a woman. And to be honest, if I'm not careful, I can easily get turned on by it (and not in a way that makes me WANT that woman at all...but just in a way that gets my general sexual desires kicking in). And I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way because 3 of my female coworkers (who are all straight and married) and I were talking one day about how we'd all much rather look at a picture of a naked woman's body vs a naked man's body (not that I'd want to do either...) and that they too have a hard time not looking when a woman's cleavage is out for the world to see.
So I don't know...are we women really being honest with ourselves? I can't imagine I and my coworkers are the only "visual" woman out there!
What do you gals think?
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Ruby
Posts:5
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| 08/30/2010 2:00 AM |
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Well, here's the thing: you have to ask yourself what is REALLY behind the reason why you're drawn to looking at these women.I'm not you, so I can't speak for you, you need to dig deep to answer that question for yourself. But here is one thought for you to chew on: women are competitive. Very competitive. We learn from a very early age that beauty gets people's attention. We observe other women (and people's reactions to them, including men's) from the time we gain that awareness on because other beautiful and attractive women can teach us things we weren't aware of. A different way to dress, a different make-up, a different perfume - and even more subjective things as personality traits - are all things we start noticing and then linking to how other people respond to them. Then we try a few of these things and notice that we get better responses. The first time this happens - BAM! It becomes a learned behavior. So, this reason alone is enough to make us more intentionally aware of other attractive women.
After making the attraction vs. sex connection, we also become aware of the fact that when we look a certain way, or dress a certain way (and so on and so forth), this creates a male response. More importantly, it creates a response in that particular male we want to have that response. There's something really sexy about that response. At this point, we create another connection in the brain: attractiveness/male response. This connection becomes so ingrained in our brains that over time we don't even consciously think about it anymore. But deep down, what created this connection was "an attractive female creates a male response, if I look attractive, the attention will be on me". And if that response does go towards you, it turns you on (assuming it's from the male you want to have the response).
So, after being bombarded by this, over and over again, by watching other men and women and their attraction dance, when you look at a picture of another attractive female or see a woman showing that type of cleavage, your brain will make that connection (attractiveness/male response) in a split second. You won't consciously think "ok, that woman looks attractive, she certainly creates a male response", then picture that male response in your mind which, then, turns you on. This happens very fast. So you are left with YOUR physical response, but I don't think it's for the woman, but caused by that connection. Unless, of course, you are bisexual, in which case you would indeed feel that attraction for the woman But I think the real force at play here could be that there's something really sexy about being deeply desired by a man and that's the connection your brain is making on a very deep level.
Anyway... Just my 2 cents on what COULD be going on there. One way to put it to test is to pay attention to your own body language when exposed to these images. If even in small ways you mimic what you find alluring in that image, that's probably the case. It's the female in you learning attraction strategies on a subtle level and reacting to what you have learned to expect from that. |
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readinmom
Posts:4
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| 01/28/2011 9:21 PM |
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I would tend to agree with Rudy. Before I read the book, I was fairly unaware of the people around me. I didn't really pay attention to what anyone looked like that I didn't have a direct interaction with. Of course, If someone was leaving it "all hang out," I would notice--and with resentment, but for the most part, I just did my own thing.
Now, I am constantly aware of the women around me, their body shape and size, their clothing choices, etc There have been times that a gorgeous woman or provocatively dressed woman has perhaps initiated this reaction that Lori brought up, but only because of that competitive feeling to be desirable. Most of the time now, I just walk around wondering if my husband's eyes would be on "that woman's" breast or "that woman's" behind, etc. It has made going out at all--even by myself--a constant internal battle as I compare myself to other's body parts, shapes, clothes, hair, makeup, . . . .
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annie410
Posts:3
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| 01/31/2011 10:05 AM |
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I have read both books, For Women Only and For Men Only. With regards to the "visual" nature men, well, I think men sometimes use this as an excuse to look/view sexual material, etc...."Well, I can't help it; I'm just visual." I wonder if they would look at an overweight wife on a diet the same way? "Well, I can't help it. I have to eat that Big Mac because I'm hungry!" I believe the husband would tell her to simply use discipline and self-control. Truthfully, I'm sure there are a lot of men who are seeking help for porn addictions, etc....but I think the majority of men don't realize how hurtful and blase their excuses are regarding looking at other women...."She's just a work of art". ??? Pooey. This is an area where WOMEN want and need respect. Husbands should be respectful of their wives and make as concious an effort to control their eyes as much as they make an effort to control their waistlines and biceps by going to the gym.
I tried an experiment once. My fiancee had looked at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, which is nothing more than soft porn. Needless to say, I was not amused. He told me it was no "big deal"; it was "art". So, I bought a Men's Fitness magazine and made sure to look at it when he was around. He got angry and upset! Surprise! However, he got the point very quickly.
We are ALL bombarded by sexual images in the media today. Women do notice handsome men and physically beautiful male bodies, too, but are more apt to "romanticize" these images in their minds, while men are more apt to "sexualize" these images. The point remains that men and women, if they truly love and respect each other, will make a conscious effort to use self-control. |
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Lori
Posts:10
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| 01/31/2011 7:58 PM |
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Thanks for your gals' responses. Ruby I think you're on to something....I never thought of it that way before. You are right, we women are very competitive and so we do look at each other to see what it is that makes us "beautiful." (If only we could remember that we're all beautiful!!)
Readinmom, I think you spoke my words when you said "I just walk around wondering if my husband's eyes would be on "that woman's" breast or "that woman's" behind, etc.". I do the same thing...which is completely not healthy.
Annie410, I do believe men can help it. Unfortunately it's a huge lie, even amongst many Christian men. I went to a Christian therapist who himself tried to use that same excuse. He said that if he was flipping through the channels of the TV and saw a naked woman that he wouldn't be able to help but to pause because he's "visual." I say crock. I think that if it's in a man's heart to not want to look at another woman's naked body, he's not going to pause. And just to make the point, if my EX-counselor had his little kids in the room with him, I'd bet the house that he'd be able to not pause...and in fact I'd bet that he'd turn the channel even faster!!
Anyway, I think the point of my original submission is that I'm trying to view this from the guys' perspective. No, I don't think it's right for men to be checking out other women in a sexual way other than their wife... yet at the same time I somewhat can understand how hard it is for them. Being that men are visual (which I don't think in and of itself is bad. I mean could you imagine how awesome your husband's visuality could be if you were the ONLY woman he ever saw dressed seductively or naked!), and that women dress very provacative...I can understand how difficult it is for them. I suppose it'd be like if everywhere us women went men whispered to us how beautiful we were and how much they'd like to please us in bed. Tell me that wouldn't be hard to "not hear"! Granted, we'd have a choice of whether or not we'd want to listen, but we really wouldn't always be able to help but to "hear" it. I hope I'm making sense. 
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allofgrace
Posts:3
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| 10/01/2011 10:14 AM |
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I agree with readinmom. Before I read these books, I was happy in my ignorance. I wish I still was.
I cannot go anywhere now without wondering if my husband (of 15 years) is looking at that cleavage, or that curvy body. I have an insecurity I never had before.
I am very thin, very small chested. I guess I have always wished I had larger breasts, but it didn't really bother me. I was still happy and felt desirable and sexy. Now? I feel like keeping myself covered up. I don't want to be compared to everyone else he sees - I know I do not measure up. I feel self-conscious during sex now, since I know I am being compared to all these other women in his "visual rolodex." Here's a good analogy: I almost feel as I would feel if I had been singing in public for the last many years and someone just took me aside and said, "You know, you really have an awful voice." Humiliated and ashamed.
Now this is not my husband's fault. He is very kind, he complements me, he says, it's okay, I love you for who you are, you are small and cute, whatever. I can't help thinking, of course, that he is just trying to make me feel better - He is a peacemaker and very much wants to have a good relationship. We love each other very much. I feel sorry for him, actually. He is stuck with someone who, compared to others, is so unsexy. If I had the money, I would have cosmetic surgery. I wish I had never read this book. |
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Marganit
Posts:12
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| 10/11/2011 1:14 AM |
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| I will have to disagree that it's because we're being competitive. I was a psychology major and read a study in which HETEROsexual men and HETEROsexual women were studied for sexual arousal to women's and men's images. Straight men were ONLY aroused with women's images. But women were aroused by BOTH male and female images.
This is genetic. Your and your co-workers experience is not unique. I do not understand it from a biblical perspective, but it's true. I too am more aroused by women's images than men's but I am straight and desire to be married to a man (a very manly one too! LOL). I think it may be that a woman's body reminds me of my own (and is more interesting to look at than a man's straight lines) and, well, to be blunt about it -- I really enjoy sex! |
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Lori
Posts:10
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| 11/01/2011 2:19 PM |
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| Thanks Marganit for that insight. I wonder if we women are aroused by both bodies because we're born that way...or if our society's obsession with a sexy woman has somehow affected us. That'd be an interested study.
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tomasevans
Posts:2
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| 01/25/2012 2:07 PM |
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I think that debate is a misnomer. Men are visually attractive, just in different ways. Women like to change their appearance a lot more drastically via hair changes, nail changes and even
breast
augmentations. That doesn't mean that they are any less attractive before the procedures or changes, though. I think beauty is skin deep, but people should be free to change their appearance based on what they think the opposite sex likes.
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