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Lee
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| 06/15/2009 5:10 PM |
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| I've just been reading both books again for the umptinth time. Every time I read FMO I read the line in the subject line and I can't help but ask, What does that mean?
I feel as though she really doesn't have a desire for me. Its not you, its me. |
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Beauchamp
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| 06/16/2009 11:18 PM |
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Hi, Lee. In my experience, "It's not you, it's me" is a sort of half-truth. It basically means, "I'm not able to be with you because...I'm not able to be with you!" It's true as far as it goes--the person doesn't want to be with you. But then, rather than blame you for that, the person blames themself.
This is only a half-truth because an unsuccessful relationship is never entirely one person's fault. It could be MOSTLY one person's fault, but never entirely. That is, between sinners like you and me and every other person on this planet. So to say "It's not you, it's me," is basically the same as saying "It's not me, it's you." The truth is, it's always both of us, to some degree.
What does it mean when someone says it to you? It can vary. Worst-case scenario, the person doesn't care enough about you to give you a chance to change, or even apologize. They so much want to get out of the relationship that they're willing to take the blame for it on themselves, if necessary. Anything to be rid of you. Ouch. Best-case scenario is that they do genuinely care for you, as a fellow human being, and even though they don't want to be in a relationship with you, they do respect you enough to shoulder their share of the blame...and maybe secretly nourish a small hope that you'll be stirred to address the full truth of the situation.
As you can see, though, it's hard to pin down a specific meaning to the phrase. So I'd suggest that, in practice, you actually not pay that much attention to it. Hear it, by all means, if a person says it to you. Give them your attention. But understand that it's just a symptom, not the disease itself.
Whatever you do, refrain from attacking the person for being vague or evasive with you. Instead, strange as it may sound, take responsibility for their being vague with you. Assume there's something you've done, or are doing--or haven't done--that has led the person to feel: a) that they don't want to be with you, and b) that telling you the full truth wouldn't do any good.
Because, most likely, there IS something in your column that needs to be addressed. Christ tells us to remove the beam from our own eye before we take the speck out of someone else's. The contrast in size between a beam and a speck is deliberate. It means we are to develop a reflex, a "first response," of taking responsibility, rather than lashing out. This doesn't mean take responsibility for something we are not actually guilty of. But if a relationship has reached any kind of crisis point, it is necessary for both parties to take responsibility, if only for the fact of being in a crisis. Whether "it's" you OR me isn't really that important.
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