| Author |
Messages |
|
castnblast
Posts:2
 |
| 07/10/2008 2:28 AM |
|
I've just finished listening to the "For men only" audio CD. Overall, I believe it is excellent and I'm hopeful (and prayerful!) that it will help me to be a better husband. Lord please help me to apply it!!
There was one thing that I took exception to and I was hoping I could get some clarification from someone... In the book Jeff says something to the effect of that when my wife is sharing her "feelings" about an experience with me and I'm listening, it is wrong for me to rebut her in any way. That if I disagree with her emotional reaction to something I'm to just keep my mouth shut, regardless of whether her reaction is reasonable. If I misunderstood this please correct me.
I take exception to this because it seems more damaging to let my wife wallow in totally sinful attitudes. If I'm the spiritual leader of my house/family am I not supposed to help bring her back to the Lord when she's going down the wrong path?
For example...
my wife has a weakness in that if somebody hurts her feelings she is prone to automatically assuming that it was intentional. Let's say she learns that a group of her friends got together on a whim and she wasn't invited. She automatically assumes her friends conspired to get together without her to purposely exclude her. Her feelings are badly hurt. She'll tell me, "They all got together and nobody called me, I know Mary (her friend) did it on purpose because she didn't want me there."
Now my wife is the kind of person that always wants to make sure that EVERYONE is included. So I can see how this would be very hurtful to her. But I also know her friends and that they wouldn't intentionally hurt her feelings. So when she comes to me upset and says, "They all got together and nobody called me, I know Mary did it on purpose because she didn't want me there," am I supposed to just agree with her?? Am I supposed to agree - "yeah, they're a bunch of creeps." Because that seems totally screwy. In the past I've said something to the effect of, "Man, I'm sorry Honey, that would totally hurt my feelings too. Especially when you're always so good about making sure everybody gets an invite. But still, I know Mary pretty well and I don't think she'd purposely hurt your feelings like that. There has to be a reasonable explanation." And you know what? There always is.
If someone could clarify this for me I'd appreciate it. Thanks!!
|
|
|
|
|
Julie Fidler
Posts:172
|
| 07/10/2008 6:06 PM |
|
Hey there,
I've worked with the book a great deal and know the content, so let me see if I can help.
Jeff did not mean that you should not offer input at all. The point he was trying to make was that, according those thousands of women they surveyed, when a husband immediately jumps in with a solution, it makes the wife feel uncared for and unheard.
Therefore, the idea is for the husband to listen first. Let your wife talk and express her feelings first and foremost. Men are prone to automatically finding a solution, whereas women are prone to automatically needing to process things emotionally.
So making a suggestion to your wife, or offering her a solution to her problem is by no means out of the question.... as long as you let her talk through her feelings, and you listen to her FIRST, fighting that urge to jump in right away with your own thoughts.
Another thing women said is that they absolutely do want their husbands to be the spiritual leader of their home. So you are right in wanting to offer that to her, as well. But men and women respond to things in vastly different ways, and hopefully this will help you respond to your wife in a way that more adequately meets her needs.
I hope this helps! Let me know if you're still unclear! 
-Julie
|
|
Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
|
|
castnblast
Posts:2
|
| 07/11/2008 5:50 PM |
|
| That helps, thanks! |
|
|
|
|
tumbleweed
Posts:1
|
| 11/18/2008 7:51 PM |
|
| As a woman I could not have put this reply any better!! Thank you!! |
|
|
|
|
janice
Posts:1
|
| 11/19/2008 8:09 PM |
|
| The example of a response that you gave sounds great. You listened to her feelings and responded to that first and then helped with some additional perspective. |
|
|
|
|
Gubbles
Posts:3
|
| 12/16/2008 6:32 PM |
|
| awesome husband!! your wife is blessed! |
|
|
|
|
RCinGA
Posts:3
|
| 05/08/2009 7:38 AM |
|
| I have a question about a difference in the two books. In FWO, there is a chapter called "The Truth About the Way You Look." You encourage women to make the effort to be appealing for their husbands. I totally agree, and have for 20 years worked to maintain an ideal weight. I was wondering why in FMO, their own physical appearance is not addressed. My DH has gained at least 40 lbs since our wedding, and it is not attractive. I wish the book had told the guys that their physique has a profound affect on their wives. Like men, we want other women to think we "did well." We want to see our husband make an effort to be healthy and strong and manly in appearance. And as the book says about men, I, as a wife, desperately want him to know and feel unable to tell him. It sounds too critical. But a double standard here is unfair. It's the same for me...if he'd take care of himself, I'd feel loved. When he won't, I feel "unvalued [sic]and unloved." |
|
|
|
|
RCinGA
Posts:3
|
| 05/08/2009 7:41 AM |
|
(I just posted this as a separate topic called "Men's Appearance." Please respond there. Thank you!) -- RCinGA
|
|
|
|
|
Jim
Posts:1
|
| 03/19/2010 11:04 PM |
|
| While reading FMO I had a question. It states in the chapter about Sex (yes I started at beginning) a Woman needs time to warm up and needs her Husband to take time during that intimate time.... my problem is everytime I want to slow it down and take time she will not let me. I feel rushed and feel she wants to get it over with. Please help with any suggestions. |
|
|
|
|
Mary Jo
Posts:6
|
| 03/24/2010 9:30 AM |
|
| The only thing I would add to Julie's response comes from my own personal experience.
Affirm that it must hurt to be left out! I've struggled for most of my life with a lousy sense of self-worth (the reasons are too long to go into here) and I was always jumping to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me that put others off. In other words, I didn't ever believe that someone had just been thoughtless or forgetful. When my husband would jump in right away with advice, it sounded like he was defending the other person, "taking their side" so to speak. Since reading the book, his response has become something more along the lines of "I can see it hurt you not to be included in their evening out." The vast majority of the time, that statement nearly stops my ranting! All I was really looking for was the acknowledgment that I had been a little hurt by the turn of events. There are times that I have needed/sought his advice after such a statement but a tiny bit of understanding goes so far in building our closeness rather than making me feel like something he needs to fix! |
|
|
|
|
runjoelrun
Posts:3
|
| 04/08/2010 3:35 PM |
|
For any man reading this, I would suggest trying it the book way. If you want your wife to feel understood - understood by the person who is most important to be understood by. I've tried it for many, many years the other way. Believe me, believe Mary Jo and others. Telling her her feelings are wrong doesn't work.
By the way, in the example, castnblast probably wasn't wrong in the facts. He was just on the wrong wavelength to beging with - in the fact realm instead of the emotional realm. |
|
|
|
|
maallen3
Posts:8
|
| 05/11/2010 12:23 PM |
|
I agree with most of the posts. I am female and if I were to say that I would be looking for my husband to say...
"So you are feeling hurt and disregarded."
Can you see how that reply is the truth? She is felling that way, no matter what happened, the feeling is not wrong.
As a man you are noticing that the "logic" is wrong. That is probably true. The logic is wrong, but as females we are looking for conformation of the feeling not the logic of the situation. (Sometimes we don't even care if the logic is wrong.)
How about a man like example...
Lets say as a wife I say something like "You are always working on that stupid car."
"Logic" says the sentence disrespectful, so a man would say it was wrong to say. Calling his car stupid is logically wrong! However, feeling emotionally neglected is not wrong. Does that make sense?
In summery,
When a man has an emotion it almost always coincides with the logic of the situation. When a woman has an emotion it does not necessarily match the logic of the situation. Sometimes, I can even understand that my emotion is not logical but I still feel it.
What the book is saying is confirm the emotion not the logic. (My advise, is don't even touch the logic until the emotion is fully taken care of. It is safer for you. )
|
|
|
|
|
|